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When we were babies, we didn’t smile sweetly at our mothers to get them to take care of us. We didn’t pinpoint our discomfort by putting it into words. We simply opened our mouths and screamed. And it didn’t take us long to learn that, the louder we screamed, the quicker they came. The success of this tactic was turned into an ‘imprint,’ a part of our stored memory about how to get the world to respond to our needs: ‘When you are frustrated, provoke the people around you.’

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Harville Hendrix, PhD, is an American couple’s therapist, pastoral counselor, and author. He is best known for work conducted with his wife, Helen LaKelly Hunt, PhD, and their development of Imago Relationship Therapy, which focuses on relational counseling to transform conflict between couples into opportunities for healing and growth.

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FindCenter Quotes ImageIt may be hard for an egg to turn into a bird: it would be a jolly sight harder for a bird to learn to fly while remaining an egg. We are like eggs at present. And you cannot go on indefinitely being just an ordinary, decent egg. We must be hatched or go bad.

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FindCenter Quotes ImageLife’s work is to wake up, to let the things that enter into the circle wake you up rather than put you to sleep. The only way to do this is to open, be curious, and develop some sense of sympathy for everything that comes along, to get to know its nature and let it teach you what it will.

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FindCenter Quotes ImageAnger is a tool for change when it challenges us to become more of an expert on the self and less of an expert on others.

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FindCenter Quotes ImageAvoidance will make you feel less vulnerable in the short run, but it will never make you less afraid.

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FindCenter Quotes ImageAnger is inevitable when our lives consist of giving in and going along; when we assume responsibility for other people’s feelings and reactions; when we relinquish our primary responsibility to proceed with our own growth and ensure the quality of our own lives; when we behave as if having a...

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FindCenter Quotes ImageFeeling angry signals a problem, venting anger does not solve it. Venting anger may serve to maintain, and even rigidify, the old rules and patterns in a relationship, thus ensuring that change does not occur.

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FindCenter Quotes ImageLetting go of anger and hate requires us to give up the hope for a different past, along with the hope of a fantasized future. What we gain is a life more in the present, where we are not mired in prolonged anger and resentment that doesn’t serve us.

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FindCenter Quotes ImageThis is one of the miracles of love: It gives a power of seeing through its own enchantments and yet not being disenchanted.

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FindCenter Quotes ImageAwake. Love. Think. Speak. Be walking trees. Be talking beasts. Be divine waters.

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FindCenter Quotes ImageThe Future is, of all things, the thing least like eternity. It is the most temporal part of time—for the Past is frozen and no longer flows, and the Present is all lit up with eternal rays.

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Anger