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When forgiveness experts talk in binary language (’You either forgive the wrongdoer or you are a prisoner of your own anger and hate’), they are collapsing the messy complexity of human emotions into a simplistic dichotomous equation.

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Harriet Lerner is an American psychologist and preeminent voice on the psychology of women, family, and relationships. She is the author of several books on these subjects, including the New York Times bestseller The Dance of Anger.

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FindCenter Quotes ImagePeople’s sense of self-worth is pivotal to their ability to look clearly at the hurt they’ve caused. The more solid one’s sense of self regard, the more likely that that person can feel empathy and compassion for the hurt party, and apologize from an authentic center.

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FindCenter Quotes ImageEveryone thinks forgiveness is a lovely idea until he has something to forgive.

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FindCenter Quotes ImageThe ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.

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FindCenter Quotes ImageNo matter how simplified or complicated life gets, it can make us miserable or it can wake us up.

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FindCenter Quotes ImageForgiveness is not a feeling; it is a commitment.

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FindCenter Quotes ImageEmpathetic listening is an awesome medication for the hurting heart.

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FindCenter Quotes ImageWe are often better served by connecting ideas than we are by protecting them.

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FindCenter Quotes ImageWe must not confuse letting go of past injuries with feeling an obligation to let the injurers back into our life. The freedom of forgiveness often includes a firm boundary and loving distance from those who have harmed us.

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FindCenter Quotes ImageIf only our passion to understand others were as great as our passion to be understood. Were this so, all our apologies would be truly meaningful and healing.

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FindCenter Quotes ImageUltimately, nothing in this life is ‘commonplace,’ nothing is ‘in between.’ The threads that join your every act, your every thought, are infinite. All paths of mastery eventually merge. [Each person has a] vantage point that offers a truth of its own.

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Forgiveness