In the quest for self control, the usual weapons we wield against ourselves—guilt, stress, and shame—don’t work. People who have the greatest self-control aren’t waging self-war. They have learned to accept and integrate these competing selves.

Kelly McGonigal, PhD, is an American health psychologist, lecturer, yoga practitioner, and author. She is known for her work translating discoveries in psychology and neuroscience into popular self-help strategies, most notably regarding the unexpected benefits of stress. She is a strong advocate of yoga, meditation, and self-compassion for physical and mental health.