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People’s sense of self-worth is pivotal to their ability to look clearly at the hurt they’ve caused. The more solid one’s sense of self regard, the more likely that that person can feel empathy and compassion for the hurt party, and apologize from an authentic center.

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Harriet Lerner is an American psychologist and preeminent voice on the psychology of women, family, and relationships. She is the author of several books on these subjects, including the New York Times bestseller The Dance of Anger.

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FindCenter Quotes ImageWhen forgiveness experts talk in binary language (’You either forgive the wrongdoer or you are a prisoner of your own anger and hate’), they are collapsing the messy complexity of human emotions into a simplistic dichotomous equation.

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FindCenter Quotes ImageAnger is a tool for change when it challenges us to become more of an expert on the self and less of an expert on others.

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FindCenter Quotes ImageWe cannot make another person change his or her steps to an old dance, but if we change our own steps, the dance no longer can continue in the same predictable pattern.

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FindCenter Quotes ImageOnly through our connectedness to others can we really know and enhance the self. And only through working on the self can we begin to enhance our connectedness to others.

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FindCenter Quotes ImageIf only our passion to understand others were as great as our passion to be understood. Were this so, all our apologies would be truly meaningful and healing.

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FindCenter Quotes ImageRespect the fact that all you do and are now has evolved for a good reason and serves an important purpose.

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FindCenter Quotes ImageWhen we do not put our primary emotional energy into solving our own problems, we take on other people’s problems as our own.

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FindCenter Quotes ImageAvoidance will make you feel less vulnerable in the short run, but it will never make you less afraid.

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FindCenter Quotes ImageThe best apologies are short, and don’t go on to include explanations that run the risk of undoing them. An apology isn’t the only chance you ever get to address the underlying issue. The apology is the chance you get to establish the ground for future communication.

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FindCenter Quotes ImageHow relationships unfold with the most important people in our lives depends on courage and clarity in finding voice. This is equally true for our relationship with our self.

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EXPLORE TOPIC

Authenticity